I have a feeling this is going to be one of those posts that I will delete in a few days, after I look at it with a clearer head.
I am not in a good place today. I am realizing that at 52 years of age, it's probably time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. And yet, I am further from knowing now then when I was 18. In fact, I am farther from knowing. I have been successful but I am starting to realize that I have been using someone else's definition of success.
I had to take an EQ assessment for work which is an emotional intelligence thing. It measures how I see myself and how I connect with the rest of the world. I scored quite well on empathy but my measurements for how I see myself were...not good. Apparently, getting beaten up at work for 4 years has an impact on you. Who knew? Ok, I guess I knew but I didn't realize just to what extent. The report went on to say pretty clearly that I am not in thrive mode, rather, survive mode. It said alot of things but the bottom line was not good.
It's hard to ignore things when someone holds a mirror up to you and points out that massive zit on your face. I would like to say that ignorance is bliss but I have to be honest, I knew that the zit was there. Having said that, I wish that I was blissfully ignorant. I think I have been pretending for awhile that things are good. Things are not, I am not well. I am having a hard time finding joy in my life. I see every day as the same. There is little to look forward to. I often ask myself what makes me happy and I can't seem to land on something.
Somedays are worse than others. I work from home and I hate it. I don't get to socialize or collaborate. I was remote before COVID came along and actually, COVID helped because then everyone else had to be intentional about connecting with others in a virtual world. I was no longer the odd man out. But I still feel lonely. There are some days when I don't talk to anyone. I hate it. But I have to accept the truth that even on a good day, I am not finding the joy in my life. The good days just suck a little less.
Before the report, I didn't feel good but I wasn't in a terrible place and I guess thats part of the problem. Unless I am planning to suck on the end of a gun, I tell myself that I am fine. And that is not the case. I am overwhelmed right now and I am not sure why. I just feel alot of despair and that is not a good thing.
I do not have a plan to kill myself but I would not be sad if a bus fell on me. Thats what the smart people in coats call a "passive suicidal ideation." Not enough to get me locked up for three days but clearly, not a good thing. If you are feeling that way, something isn't right.
Ok, so I am going to make a commitment to you and the numerous bots from Russia and China that are reading this that I am going to speak to my wife about this. I am going to say something tonight. I need to think about what I am going to say so that I don't just start bawling like a 6 year old girl. I doubt she will be surprised; I am not good at playing poker. I guess I will just give her a heads up and ask for her perspective.
I will check back in a couple days and either give an update or pull this down.
3 comments:
Hey Todd! The Melancholy Camper here. I left a note for you last year about this time when I came upon your blog while doing some research for my own. I thought I’d check back in you. I’m hoping you got that chat with your wife and all’s well. I’ve learned there are a lot of lurkers in the blog world. You know the kind who are rooting for you but prefer to remain silent. Perhaps they can’t verbalize their thought and feelings. But they’re reading your words and connecting with them. Don’t give up, Todd. Take your own advice and reach out. You know you’re not alone.
Hello Melancholy Camper!
It is really good to meet you. I did speak to my wife which was a smart move on my part. It forced me to be accountable and do something instead of ignore the problem and hope it goes away. I spoke with my doc and we upped my anti-depressant which I am noticing a difference.
Its funny when we follow out own advice; we find that we can say something smart! I am no different from anyone else. Mental health issues cannot be solved by themselves so reach out if you are hurting. Suck it up, check your ego. If you are having a heart attack, you get help.
Perhaps I need to find a hobby. Perhaps I should check out photography or camping. I think I now have a friend that is pretty good at that stuff!
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