Test, test. Is this thing still on?

So, I have been a little quiet lately.  Well, a couple of years, actually.  I guess it might be a good time for an update.  

Maybe I should reconsider posting when I am in this place, but this is the only place where I can be authentic.  This blog isn't Instagram, showing all of the wonderful parts of my life.  This blog is a window into my head, and it's rarely a pretty place.  

Without getting into specifics, my life became a shitshow a few years ago.  Someone lied to me and hurt a family member, and turned our lives upside down.  These two sentences are the understatements of the month, but that doesn't matter.  

I keep feeling like I make a step forward and I end up taking 48 steps back.  Well, more like, I take a step forward and then a car comes from nowhere and hits me, sending me 48 steps back. Yeah, that feels about right.

It feels like the world is on fire.  Trump is setting fires everywhere and being just plain cruel to anyone who needs help.  Unless you are a billionaire and are white and are male, go fuck yourself.  The economy is crashing.  The environment is a disaster.  The LGBTQ community has been demonized.  Powerful people are protecting pedophiles.  

But Taylor Swift is pregnant and is getting married, so everything is lovely, right?  

Right?

I am now in my mid 50s and I am so glad that I am on the downhill side of this life.  I cannot imagine starting out right now.  How can anyone have any hope of a future?  

I can't find any peace right now.  I can't still my thoughts and find good things.  Normally, I would remind myself of all of the good things I have in my life, like a warm home and a fridge full of food, but at the moment, when I think of those things, all I can see is all of the people who do not have those things.  Maybe I don't think I deserve them.  Small, cold children deserve them.  

And so what do I do?  I double down and listen to depressing music because I am a dumb fuck.  Don't bother posting a comment and telling me not to do that. I am simply too fucking dumb to follow such basic and good advice.  

Ok, so what do you do when you get to this place?