I still have alot of bad days. Days when I wish that I would have been successful in the parking lot a few years ago. Not really serious, just pondering how things would have turned out. And sometimes, those days turn into weeks and I am find myself in a very dark, lonely, and familiar place. And then the thinking becomes distorted and you start making sense out of nothing.
Recently, I had several of those days strung together. So it was about a week of sitting in my dark hole. At some point, probably by day three, my thoughts drifted into wondering how much better everyone would be if I was gone. Then it begins to gain steam and you start thinking about how it could really work. How your wife would have a huge pile of cash from your life insurance. And don't just assume that because you have life insurance that it will pay out if you kill yourself. It doesn't always.
Anyway, by day four I was in a very bad place. It was probably day six or seven in July a few years ago by the time that I went out and bought the gun so the slide begins picking up steam after day three. Unfortunately, you tend to lose the ability to step back and realize that you have been on this ride before. You can only see a foot in front of you so forget about what lies ahead. Its all about the hurt you are feeling at the moment.
Its weird how well you remember certain moments in your life with absolute clarity. Part of the reason that I started this blog was to help me remember the moments of that July afternoon in the parking lot. I never wanted to forget how badly I hurt and the mess that I created as a result. Some of the moments have grown a little fuzzy over the years so I want to retain those memories. The event I am about to share is seared into my brain like nothing else that I have ever experienced.
I work from home and was sitting at my desk. When I am in a bad place, I don't get much work done. I daydream alot and have no focus. That was definitely going on. I was actively thinking about how much better off my family would be if I just drove out somewhere and finished the job. I had it all figured out about how much cash my wife would have and how she could start over. How my children didn't need me in their lives. Total stupidity but thats where I was. And then I got a call.
It was around 2 in the afternoon when my 17 year old daughter called.
"Dad, one of the tires on my car blew and I am on the side of the road. What do I do?"
"Where is the car? Are you in a safe place from the road?"
"Yes, I am on a back road and there is no traffic."
"I am on my way."
Thank God for being able to track your kids on their phones, I was able to find her right away and shot out the door. I am not an overly religious person but I have never felt the presence of God as much as I did at that very moment. I felt as if God had just hit me with a 2x4 to remind me that my family does need me. I was a little sick to my stomach as I drove to my daughter. If I was gone, who would she have called? Yeah, she may have called a tow truck, but at 17, I doubt she would have come to that decision right away.
I got there and made it a point to have her change it with me giving instructions over her shoulder. I tightened everything up after she was done and she was on her way home within 20 minutes of me getting there.
I could no longer deny the fact that my family needed me. Not just because I could change a tire or financially provide, but also because I made great french toast. Because I told the best dad-jokes. Because I would regularly explain why Empire Strikes Back is the most important film in the entire Star Wars films. My family needs me not just for one reason but for many. And for me to take myself out of the picture would be incredibly selfish.
