Someone else's definition of success...

I have a feeling this is going to be one of those posts that I will delete in a few days, after I look at it with a clearer head. 

I am not in a good place today.  I am realizing that at 52 years of age, it's probably time for me to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  And yet, I am further from knowing now then when I was 18.  In fact, I am farther from knowing.  I have been successful but I am starting to realize that I have been using someone else's definition of success.  

I had to take an EQ assessment for work which is an emotional intelligence thing.  It measures how I see myself and how I connect with the rest of the world.  I scored quite well on empathy but my measurements for how I see myself were...not good.  Apparently, getting beaten up at work for 4 years has an impact on you.  Who knew?  Ok, I guess I knew but I didn't realize just to what extent.  The report went on to say pretty clearly that I am not in thrive mode, rather, survive mode.   It said alot of things but the bottom line was not good.  

It's hard to ignore things when someone holds a mirror up to you and points out that massive zit on your face. I would like to say that ignorance is bliss but I have to be honest, I knew that the zit was there.  Having said that, I wish that I was blissfully ignorant.  I think I have been pretending for awhile that things are good.  Things are not, I am not well.  I am having a hard time finding joy in my life.  I see every day as the same.  There is little to look forward to.  I often ask myself what makes me happy and I can't seem to land on something.  

Somedays are worse than others.  I work from home and I hate it.  I don't get to socialize or collaborate.  I was remote before COVID came along and actually, COVID helped because then everyone else had to be intentional about connecting with others in a virtual world.  I was no longer the odd man out.  But I still feel lonely.  There are some days when I don't talk to anyone.  I hate it.  But I have to accept the truth that even on a good day, I am not finding the joy in my life.  The good days just suck a little less.  

Before the report, I didn't feel good but I wasn't in a terrible place and I guess thats part of the problem.  Unless I am planning to suck on the end of a gun, I tell myself that I am fine.  And that is not the case. I am overwhelmed right now and I am not sure why.   I just feel alot of despair and that is not a good thing.  

I do not have a plan to kill myself but I would not be sad if a bus fell on me.  Thats what the smart people in coats call a "passive suicidal ideation."  Not enough to get me locked up for three days but clearly, not a good thing.  If you are feeling that way, something isn't right.  

Ok, so I am going to make a commitment to you and the numerous bots from Russia and China that are reading this that I am going to speak to my wife about this. I am going to say something tonight.  I need to think about what I am going to say so that I don't just start bawling like a 6 year old girl.  I doubt she will be surprised; I am not good at playing poker.  I guess I will just give her a heads up and ask for her perspective.  

I will check back in a couple days and either give an update or pull this down.