If you wanna talk...

After I threw the weapon out of the car window, I got out and walked towards the swarm of SWAT guys with their guns pointed at me.  I guess so they could shoot me in case I tried to shoot myself.

Anyway, the offer that I had been talking to kept yelling at me to stop and turn around with my arms up in the air.  I wasn't in the mood to take his instructions since I knew that this wasn't going to end with me going home.  I walked towards him and he kept asking me to slow down and keep my arms up where everyone could see them.  I had sunglasses on and the tears and sweat was making it hard to see.

The female officer who I spoke with on the phone met me halfway between my car and the SWAT truck.  She said that for the safety of the officers, they had to put me in handcuffs and put me in the back of a squad car.  So I guess the one positive out of all of this was that I finally was able to answer to these stupid quizzes on Facebook that I had, in fact, been in the back of a cop car.

I am a big guy and cop cars are not exactly designed for comfort for the large man.  Alright, small guys, too.  You ain't rolling in style in the back of a squad car.  I was kind of laying on the seat as I could get my legs in otherwise.  As I mentioned on an earlier post, it was really hot that day and the black plastic seat nearly left me with third degree burns.  But I was glad to no longer have a dozen guns pointed on me.

As the car went through the parking lot, I saw more squad cars than I had ever seen in my life.  Honestly, never seen anything like it.  There were probably a dozen cop cars.  I was exhausted and wasn't all that pleased at the turnout for me so I put my head down on the seat for the rest of the ride.  I think there was only one officer in the car and he didn't say a word to me.

We arrived at a local hospital and I was led out of the car into an exam room.  Of course, the two dozen people in the waiting room had the good fortune to see the police bring a large man in handcuffs through the ER.  I am sure they were excited to see something like that and I was sooo happy to be part of their big day.

They kept me in handcuffs while I was in the exam room.  I said that they were really uncomfortable and the officer said that they were necessary for their safety as well as mine.  My patience was wearing very thin at that point and I began to remind him that I had been very cooperative and this was getting pretty ridiculous.  Before he could respond, a nurse walked in and began taking vitals and asking what brought me in.

After the nurse finished, she pulled the officer into the hall and spoke.  When they finished, he said he would take the cuffs off as long as I remained cooperative.  While I was relieved, I wasn't ready to fall at his feet in gratitude.  He took them off and I began to enjoy blood flow to my hands again.  He then stepped back into the hallway, making certain that he was able to see me at all times.  I simply sat there with my head in my hands, wishing that I had had the balls to do what I had set out to do.

After maybe 20 minutes, another officer came in with the original one that brought me.  They were switching out or something.  This new guy could not have been more than 22, with blond hair and peach fuzz on his chin. He mentioned his name but I wasn't really listening.  The only thing I did hear was the threat of returning to handcuffs if I tried to leave.

This time, the young officer stayed in the room with me and attempted to make small talk.

It sure is hot out there.  That humidity is killer.  

Ah huh.

Since I was not really in the mood for small talk, there was a brief moment of silence.  And then he said this:

You know, if you wanna talk about what got you to this point, that's cool with me.  

I lifted my face from my hands and looked at him.  I was a bit bewildered by this statement and unsure of what to say.  Should I say something polite or tell him to shut the fuck up?  I opted for no response.

Well, I will be out in the hallway if you need anything.  

I had to hand it to him, he was much more polite than the previous cop.  But I had a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that some 20-something year old might have an inkling of where I am in my life.  While he was certainly well intentioned, it was not helpful at that moment.

Anyway, it was soon after this that my wife was brought into the room.  I am going to save that for the next post.  This post was more about me remembering the day and some of the surreal moments.  Again, this was an awful episode in my life and I cannot stress enough the importance of reaching out to someone if you are feeling that your only option is suicide.  Don't try to go it alone.