Sometimes the loneliness is crippling. Sometimes, it hurts getting out of bed because I have lost hope. I am learning that my work colleagues are not who they appeared to be. And that is killing me. I made a mistake by trusting them. I made a mistake by letting my guard down.
So now I begin the slide once again. The all too familiar slide into depression. And what makes it worse is that my wife has little to no compassion or patience for this. But get ready for this, you may want to sit down for it... she is a therapist.
Every time I open up and tell her what is happening and how I am feeling, she assumes that she has to fix it. I work remote most of the week and I hate it. Yes, lots of people would give anything to work from home and I was one of those people until I did. And I learned that I enjoy the routine of going into the office, of seeing colleagues, of enjoying a laugh. Now, it's just me and the dogs. When I shared this with my wife she insisted that I needed to snap out of it and that I am so lucky to be able to do this. I agree that I am fortunate that my employer allows me to do this since I am so far from the office. But I have been doing this for a year now and it just plain sucks. It's difficult to collaborate and hear about the quick conversations that happen in passing about a project. She minimizes how I feel and that just makes it worse.
So the slide just accelerates.
I admitted to her how lonely I am. I am turning 50 next month and I have no friends. I never minded not having friends but its beginning to bother me. I have my family and that's it. I have no guy friends to go have a beer with and watch football with.
I am feeling things that I haven't felt in awhile. But I am no longer oblivious to the reality of killing myself. It would shatter my children. I cannot do that to them. I know I can't. That is what really sucks. I can't get away from this. I cannot stop this train, I have to ride it out. While that may be a good thing, I cannot shake the hurt that I feel about my wife minimizing all of this. I am crushed. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But I have to face her.
This post is a lot of rambling and not making too much sense. But since no one reads theses, that ok. Someday I will re-read these and wonder what the fuck I was thinking.
Today is not that day.
Just to let you know at least someone does read these and gets exactly where you are coming from. Your telling of the SWAT story (and everything else) is brilliant, BTW. Hope you're still reading this!
ReplyDeleteThank you. I do appreciate your kind words and I am glad that someone else can relate to this crap. Or maybe I should not be glad... Should we be glad that there are more like us? Anyway, thank you for letting me share my crap with you.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, you aren't talking crap you are talking perfect sense. One of the thing I've learned is that we have a basic human need for connection, to understand and be understood by others. It's true that depression may distort perception so that we do not see things exactly the same way as others, but in that sense it's a condition like colour blindness - an impairment but not something completely invalid - no one says a colourblind person needs to be 'fixed'. And you are right that working remotely can make it worse (it has for me) because it reduces the degree of connection we have with others. What strikes me throughout your stories is that the emotions you felt were entirely valid (seen as reactions to the events at the time) - and yes with the benefit of hindsight you can feel differently - why not? The whole point is maybe not to act on emotions which lead in a negative direction - but that doesn't invalidate them, it just means being aware of how we are thinking and responding appropriately... I don't know if this is helping? But I just wanted to say your ramblings make sense (and are entertaining to boot, what more can ya ask? ;)
ReplyDeleteSometimes you need some review on your medications. It need with some best and expereince person.Find from -https://www.beingtherapy.ca/services/medication-review-services/
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